Disappointment

Last week, during a big family get together, I sat down with my parents to record a sort of family history for Baby J. My wife and I did the same thing with her parents a while ago and it came out being really nice. With my family, however, it wasn't so nice.

I didn't find out too much about my family history but I learned a lot about my family's dynamics. Mainly, I found that there is tension, disappointment, and resentment all over the place. I probably won't show any of the video recording to Baby J but it was kind of interesting to me. After giving this new family video some thought, I think I stumbled onto a big idea or a universal theme, a common thread, an epiphany of sorts.

When you're a kid, your parents are infallible, omnipotent, and altogether perfect. They are the biggest, smartest, fastest, strongest people in the world. But, as you get older, you start to realize that they're just ordinary people like everybody else. They have virtues and vices, strengths and weaknesses, prejudices and biases. And I think when children realize this, they can't help but feel disappointed.

And, this disappointment isn't necessarily limited to the child/parent relationship. I think brothers get disappointed with uncles. Mothers get disappointed with cousins. Fathers get disappointed with grandmothers. It goes every which way on the family tree. Everyone wants to have a perfect family but, at the end of the day, families are made up of people, flawed, imperfect, average, everyday, ordinary people.

Now, this all may sound rather dark but I don't see it that way. It's only dark if you focus on that disappointment forever. If you can move beyond it, find a way to accept the flaws of your family members, perhaps even learn to see their shortcomings as endearing quirks, it leads to positive relationships, it leads to empathy, and, above all, it leads to understanding. Learning acceptance is not an easy endeavor by any stretch of the imagination but I think it's worth the effort.

I know someday Baby J will realize that I'm not the strongest, tallest, smartest, or fastest dad out there. When she's older perhaps she'll even pick up on my many neuroses and pathologies. But, hopefully, we'll be able to teach her to be empathic, not judgmental, to focus on the good things in life. I love my family, warts and all, and, hopefully, Baby J will too someday. You get lots of acquaintances in your lifetime, lots of well-wishers, and a handful of really good, close friends. But you only get one family and they have to last you your whole life. You can't spend that time wishing they were different people. Time has a habit of getting away from you. People get older and you only get a short while to enjoy the people close to you. Life's too short and time spent with family too valuable to be spent disappointed or angry.

Listening To: Dark Night of the Soul by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse