The Perfect Baby

The other day. I was at a play group with a couple moms. While their children played, they compared notes about them and their development. How many teeth they had, when they started walking, how many hours they slept, etc. I largely stayed out of the conversation because, as I've said before, I don't like comparing children to one another, especially at such a young age.

But it got me thinking. Are moms and dads really comparing their children to one another or are they comparing them to some ideal perfect baby, some mythical golden child?

To examine this further, I looked at what criteria parents normally cite when comparing babies:

1. A baby should be a good sleeper. The longer the better.
2. A baby should have several teeth. Again, the more, the merrier. Good strong teeth.
3. A baby should have hair. Bald babies are cute but the most desirable babies have lots of hair.
4. A baby should be able to walk upright on its own.
5. A baby should eat anything you give it. Apples, carrots, steak, tree bark. It doesn't matter.

So there you have it, the qualities of the ideal child. As a visual aide, I've provided a picture of a specimen that matches the aforementioned criteria.

It sleeps all winter long, has lots of teeth and hair, can walk upright, and will eat pretty much whatever you'd care to stick into its mouth.

This may explain why children are often given teddy bears rather than stuffed pelicans or plush musk oxen. I will have to pursue this theory at a later date.